Why networking feels hard (and the fix that actually works)

Thoughts From the Corner


Hello Reader,

I've choked at a professional event specifically built for networking. Too many people, too loud, the expectation to work the room — and my brain just stopped working. I left a poster session in my own field, full of people I had things in common with, having spoken to almost nobody.
Most people assume the problem with networking is skill — they're awkward, they haven't learned the right techniques. I think the problem is usually the framing. The explicit networking label activates something researchers call self-monitoring load: you're splitting attention between actually talking and monitoring whether you're doing it right, and that split kills the conversation.

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The best networking conversation I've ever had at a work event wasn't at a networking event. It happened during a break at a workshop, talking about the actual content with someone, and the opening to mention my coaching practice came up naturally. I didn't register it as networking until afterward. That's usually how it works when it works — the conversation comes first, and the networking label gets applied after the fact.


What changed for me wasn't a technique. I stopped treating networking as a separate activity and started relating to it as something people in my position just do — I work with people, I build things that require collaboration, of course I talk to people I don't see regularly. Once that's just part of your identity, the question stops being "am I networking correctly" and starts being "what's this person working on."


There's also a risk calculation worth doing. Unless you go out of your way to be a jerk, the worst case in a networking conversation is that the other person doesn't remember you later — and research on social memory suggests casual conversations with strangers aren't remembered in much detail a month out anyway. That downside is close to zero. The upside — a referral, a collaborator, a door you didn't know existed — isn't.


Any conversation you're already having with someone you don't regularly talk to is a networking event. You don't have to label it while it's happening.

I'd like to hear about a conversation that turned into something later, without you planning it that way. Hit reply.

Was this helpful? Any requests? I’d love to hear from you! I read all emails personally.

Until next time!

—Chris


I appreciate the DIY mindset, which is why I offer so much content for free. If need to accelerate your growth, or want personalized assistance, I have a limited number of one-on-one coaching spots available.


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Chris In Your Corner

I spent most of my career in environments where technical excellence was table stakes — nuclear submarines, cybersecurity, software engineering, management. What I kept noticing was that the people who stalled weren't the ones who couldn't do the work. They were the ones who couldn't navigate the people around the work. That pattern eventually drove me to this work. If you're a technical professional hitting a ceiling you didn't expect — not a skills ceiling, but a people one — you probably know what I mean. Your work is solid but it's not landing. Influence feels like a foreign language. You got into this field partly to avoid the politics, and now the politics are everywhere. I'm not going to tell you to become someone you're not. I didn't. But I did change how I show up. Now I often work outside my comfort zone. It's more rewarding than anything I was doing before. If that sounds like where you want to be, you're in the right place.